Log in

Jan. 28th, 2010

I don't wanna jinx it I don't wanna jinx it I don't wanna jinx it.

-fingers crossed-  x|


Man.  I got nothing.  nvm.
 Yesterday night, I was having a conversation with my darling friend Maureen.  She is having a boy she's madly in love with come and live with her soon.  Ofc, she's looking forward to the sex, but also to the closeness and comfort another person brings.  I'm happy for her happiness, but I'm also worried.  She just ended a rather bad relationship and now she's almost jumping into this one.  I know the boy that's going to be moving in with her, I talk to him often and I just...I don't know if I like it or not.  This boy is sweet.  He cares very much for Maureen, but he's not in love with her like she is with him.  I don't resent him for that nor do I expect him to fall in love with her.  What concerns me is that he may be "using" her for a place to live.  He's getting kicked out of the home he's in now and you must admit, I have reasons, VALID reasons for my concern.  What if he's just using her?  I honestly don't think Maureen would care.  She's so very much in love with him.  I care, though.  I do love Maureen, though.  I want her to be happy.  If this is what it takes, then I wish her the best.  I just can't shake that feeling of "He's going to hurt her, Melinda."  I know Maureen.  Even if I tell her this, she won't really care.  She'll say, "I know, but I love him."  Sometimes, she drives me crazy.  I love her to death, but she needs to worry about her own heart, too, not just the hearts of others.  You can't fully love someone with a broken and shattered heart.  I didn't learn that until I was in my 20's, though.  This boy, though...he worries me.  He told Maureen that he doesn't want a girlfriend yet because of a bad relationship in the past, but he told me that if I was ever single, he'd steal me away.  :|  This bothers me.  A lot.  Maureen is the girl he's going to live with and he's trying to hit on me.  I'm NOT ok with the guy that my best friend is in love with hitting on me.  Plus, I don't want MY boyfriend to be charged with murder.  :)  In all seriousness, I'm worried about her.  She was so depressed and near suicidal after her first relationship went south, I don't want to see her like that again.  She confided in me last night that she's worried about getting pregnant.  =\  Use protection??  I told her though, if she did get pregnant, I'd help her and even be a foster mother to her child for awhile.  Granted, I'd have to get Dustin's approval and help with that, but he knows how much I love Maureen.  He cares, too.  Now, I have the mother of all headaches and I have to go into town.  Ciao my lovelies.  :x  <3

Oct. 7th, 2009

 People can be so cruel...



I'm at work.  It's fucking 4:19 and I'm tired as hell.  Just thought I'd share my misery.


I killed a spider today.  I consider this a great victory for me.

No no Baby, it's not over.  I'm not drunk...I'm just not sober.

Ok.  So.  I have majority custody of Serenity.  Yay!  I start work Sunday night.  I start school in about a month.  I've got my own place.  I'm rekindling friendships that he crushed.  I'm discovering myself again.  The bruises have faded.  I'm still scared, but it's getting easier.  The only thing I miss is the friends that I had that were his friends, too.  I miss Carl and Christ

It's like...just wow.  I'm on my own and I'm doing better than before.  I love it. 

Wonderful.  ^^
I've lost contact here.  It makes me a bit sad. 

You have no idea what I want to do right now.  I want to lay outside in the frozen grass, bleeding, until the ache subsides.  I must not do this.  I must stay my hand.  Who am I to be unhappy?  Who am I to yearn for eternal slumber?  I am nothing.  I have love.  It warms me.  Yet it makes my heart ache.  I do not deserve this love and I know it.  I have broken hearts....I have had my heart broken.  I have loved and been loved.  But I am still nothing. 
Wasting away, thinking of you
while my hands are freezing,
my lips turn blue.

Oct. 20th, 2008

As each sees the other,
No one sees the truth.
Faith is who one is,
Faith is what one is,
Faith is all we are…

Trying to define myself,
And I have found
A flaw inherent…
That ties me to the past…
That is part of the future…
An imperfection of sorts
That I cannot escape…
Surrounds my heart, and
Binds my mind…
A tragic display of fate
That I have no choice but to accept…
I must live with the pain but hope…
That I will find
The sacred rhythm of life,
For I know it to be, beyond my reach,
Religion in its' whole.

 I try to see underneath
To what is hidden deep,
 To let my instincts guide
The ways that are inborn, to find
The flaw inherent,
For I wish…
 To hide the life inside,
Hide the imperfection…
What is the fatal flaw?
Why do I want to know?
A curse or be it a blessing to know?
I see it as others don't
I see the gift of Gods.
I let the flaw become my heart
Survive the lives of many
 That are a part of mine.

As each sees the other,
No one sees the truth.
Faith is who one cannot be,
Faith is what one wishes to be,
Faith is everything we cannot have…
I do not want part of this "gift"…
I will not believe,
The truth that stares me in the face
Is scarier than any dream…
I will not accept being different,
All I want is to be like anybody else,
I will not give in to the pressure
I will not become part of the nightmare…
The darkness cannot hold me.
Will anyone protect me?
What can be done,
But to deny this force within me
That cannot be denied,
All I can do is to ignore it
Why do I deny?
This growing force inside?

 To live with this I must realize
That this gift is not a curse
It is a part of my essence
The very life force I drink
I have no choice but to accept
the life I will have to lead
Even though I am unsure
of what will become of me
This gift, this opening of life
This new type of understanding
I must begin to realize
It will always be part of me
acceptance is the key here
I cannot live with myself unless
I come to terms with the soul inside
That longs to be freed from it's chains

As each sees the other
No one sees the truth
Faith is who they are
Faith is what they are
Faith is all they can ever be

This gift, this love
that has grown inside me long
Is ready to be embraced
Ready to be cherished
The gift that I was given
Has been a part of me
for as long as I remember
but now it is my essence
of who I have become
I am all that is not understood
I am the one you cannot help
I am one with nature and space
I am all I ever will be now
The time to love my treasure is here
Now I understand that is not how different we are
but how different we can be.



Latest Month

January 2010


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow